SPECIAL THANKS TO KEISHA FERNANDES.
THANK YOU KEISHA FOR ALL YOUR HELP, SUGGESTIONS AND INPUT! 🙂
I admire people who have the courage to put pen to paper and expose themselves to the whole world, especially those writing erotica. I don’t like giving bad reviews to such people. Having finished reading this book, however, I feel compelled to write a review.
I will be reviewing all the three books together (combined) so this post may be a bit long. Also it may contain spoilers.
One thing is clear about `50 shades of grey’, you either love it or hate it. I read the book after a friend recommended it. Let’s start with the cover art. Beautiful.
The main characters:-
It’s like this character is out of a teenager’s fantasy. He is a billionaire (not a millionaire but a billionaire) who speaks fluent French, is basically a concert level pianist, is a fully trained pilot, is athletic, drop dead gorgeous, tall, built perfectly with an enormous penis, and the best lover on the planet. In addition, he’s not only self-made but is using his money to combat world hunger. Oh yeah, and all of this at the ripe old age of 26! And on top of that, he’s rarely working. Every other second is spent having sex or texting and emailing the female character. His billions seem to have just come about by magic. This character should actually be in a mental asylum or undergoing some therapy. Instead of getting the right treatment he is out there playing dominant and submissive game. If this was reality, he would be behind the bars. Or in an asylum. The strangest thing is, his parents are not aware of his red room of pain.
Oh, I so hate this character. She is so dumb, so naive, and so stupid. She says she is not interested in the main characters money but agrees to be his submissive and agrees to suffer all the whackings just to get him to fall in love with her. Who in their right fucking mind does that? She is like that type of girlfriend who acts very independent and responsible and is always ready to pay for her share but in turn just makes the boyfriend pay everything. If you really care about Christian, take him to a good psychologist. Help him develop a different hobby which is not sexual. Instead, you let him spank you and remove his frustrations and after he has left you sit and cry. Utter nonsense.
A hot single billionaire businessman, outrageously accomplished but deeply emotionally damaged, meets an innocent college senior who can barely walk on her own two feet, much less construct and execute an intelligent sentence in his presence. Inexplicably, he must have her. She meets him once, in a semi-professional capacity – a student interviewing a successful businessman and college benefactor for the student newspaper. Before you can say “creepy stalker” he has her home address, has sent her wildly inappropriate gifts worth tens of thousands of dollars, shows up three and a half hours south in her place of business, and is tracing her cell phone so that he can “rescue” her from her own drunken stupidity, back to his bed in a hotel. This isn’t romantic; this is grounds for a restraining order.
The concept is interesting. However the story is weak, the pace is slow and awkward, the characters come through as more crazy than complicated, and the “romance” is very immature.
The whole book is just like I’m Ana. I’m clumsy and innocent. I like books. I dig this guy. He couldn’t possibly like me. He’s rich. I wonder if he’s gay? His eyes are gray. Super gray. Intensely gray. Intense AND gray. Serious and gray. Super gray. Dark and gray.
I blush. I gasp. He touches me “down there.” I gasp again. He gasps. We both gasp. I blush some more. I gasp some more. I refer to my genitals as “down there” a few more times. I blush some more. Sorry, I mean I “flush” some more. I bite my lip. He gasps a lot more. More gasping. More blushing/flushing. More lip biting. Still more gasping. There is sex. We are standing and having sex. Sleeping and having sex. Sex in the red room. With the butt plug. With the vibrator. With the whip. I’m crying. He is whacking me. I am leaving. He is sad. I am sad. He wants me to marry him. I don’t even know him for a year yet. But I will marry him. And there are these other girls. And Mrs. Robinson. Oh, I am pregnant. Blah… Blah… Blah…
And oh, the repetition…and the repetition…and the repetition. If you take out the parts where the female character is blushing or chewing her lips, the book will be down to about 50 pages. Almost on every single page, there is a whole section devoted to her blushing, chewing her lips or wondering “Jeez” about something or another.
Thanks to the many other troubled readers who have shared their own choices of the most annoyingly overused phrases in this masterpiece. Following are the observations by some of the other readers.-
Characters roll their eyes 41 times, Ana bites her lip 35 times, Christian’s lips “quirk up” 16 times, Christian “cocks his head to one side” 17 times, characters “purse” their lips 15 times, and characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times.
Add to that 80 references to Ana’s own “subconscious” (which also rolls its eyes and purses its lips, by the way), 58 references to Ana’s “inner goddess,” and 92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of “oh crap” (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to “holy crap,” “double crap,” or the ultimate “triple crap”).
Ana says “Jeez” 81 times and “oh my” 72 times. She “blushes” or “flushes” 125 times, including 13 that are “scarlet,” 6 that are “crimson,” and one that is “stars and stripes red.” (I can’t even imagine.) Ana “peeks up” at Christian 13 times, and there are 9 references to Christian’s “hooded eyes,” 7 to his “long index finger,” and 25 to how “hot” he is (including four recurrences of the epic declarative sentence “He’s so freaking hot.”). Christian’s “mouth presses into a hard line” 10 times. Characters “murmur” 199 times, “mutter” 49 times, and “whisper” 195 times (doesn’t anyone just talk?), “clamber” on/in/out of things 21 times, and “smirk” 34 times. Christian and Ana also “gasp” 46 times and experience 18 “breath hitches,” suggesting a need for prompt intervention by paramedics. Finally, in a remarkable bit of symmetry, our hero and heroine exchange 124 “grins” and 124 “frowns”… which, by the way, seems an awful lot of frowning for a woman who experiences “intense,” “body-shattering,” “delicious,” “violent,” “all-consuming,” “turbulent,” “agonizing” and “exhausting” orgasms on just about every page.
And this is only part one of a trilogy.
Then come the sex scenes. The first one is tolerable but as she goes on, they become so unbelievable that it becomes more laughable than erotic. She has orgasms at the drop of a pin. He says her name and she orgasms. He simply touches her and she orgasms. It seems that she’s climaxing on every page. There is so much draggy and boring paragraphs on sex that you would give up the idea about having sex for the next few weeks.
The book should be renamed to 50 ways to have orgasm. Or 50 ways to bite your lips. Or 50 ways to flush/blush.
The story continues to grow throughout the next two books which I already read as well, because quite frankly it’s a fun read. For some reason, I liked the third book. It has some suspense which holds the reader. The part where Mia gets kidnapped and Mrs. Anastasia Grey (The Super Girl) trying to rescue her. And the whole part where Christian waits in the hospital besides Ana’s bed is really sweet. The second book too had some suspense with Leila’s stalking etc. But Christian’s behaviour towards her is extremely bad. The way the second book ends is kinda romantic but then again the rest of the book only has sex and Leila.
Do I recommend the book?
This may be shocking after reading the review but Yes. If you’re open minded about sex, BDSM, relationships and willing to read it as teenage fan fiction then you should read it once. Apart from the repetition and Ana’s stupidity, the story builds throughout the trilogy. So it is fun only when you read all the three parts.
A review by Keisha and Felicia…..